She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
