omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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