I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
