So drunk its hurt
Only a mothe r could love this liver
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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