just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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