i wish my penis had a tongue
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
