Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
