Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize