I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
