What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize