You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
