woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
