yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
