ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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