it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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