Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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