I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
