I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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