i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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