one two three fourrrrnication!
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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