Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
