I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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