You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
