I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
