So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
