At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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