Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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