i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
