Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have so many feelings about this burrito
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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