her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
