You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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