every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
