Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
