fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
