Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
