My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
As shirtless as possible
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
