Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize