My liver just broke up with me...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
