I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize