Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
