Can i not drive my cunt home
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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