Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
