While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
