I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
