I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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