Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
