New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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