when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize