I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
