I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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