Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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