Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
