Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
