May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
