haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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