Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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