What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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