his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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