If i come over, it means nothing
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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