I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize